ACTION ITEM! Redecorate the Retiring Rooms

Deaconette has in the past introduced you gentle readers to some of her sorority sisters. But you have been hanging around the sorority house for some time now, and it’s probably time that you meet the whole family. Yes? Well come in, wait, wipe your feet on the mat please. Now then, may I present Deaconette’s

• identical-but-ontologically-inferior twin blue sister Smurfette (Ma always liked me best);
• arty sister Palette;
• sister with the drinking problem Bachelorette;
• Texan food-service worker sister Charcoal Briquette;
• sisters Diskette and Cassette, together affectionately “the Obsolettes”;
• prissy sister Lorgnette;
• nutty sister Noisette;
• showoff sister Majorette;
• pregnant sister Layette;
• overweight sister Raclette;
• bitchy sister Martinet;
• sexy sister Coquette and slutty sister Nymphette (who are not to be confused with the sister who merely enjoys having her salad tossed occasionally, Vinaigrette);
• elusive sister Silhouette and black-sheep sister Oubliette;
• and Holy Mother (née holy sister) Popette, with whom you’re well acquainted already;

And of course, every family has that one woman who thinks she’s a princess. Ours is Marie-Antoinette. You may not know that Her Majesty the Decapitated Capitular Capetian has graciously appointed Deaconette the Directrice-Général of the Société de L’Ancien Régime, Boucherie, La Courneuve, a fully despicable 178(9) that is dedicated to the restoration of all things ceremonial about the aristocracy of the late baroque, not just the vestments, to the greater glory of the Sun god King. The Société or let’s be honest, the Queen herself, has issued the appeal below. Deaconette has done her best to faithfully translate despite that she is merely a convert to French cuisine and was not, in fact, born speaking French. Will you in your charity assist Her Majesty in this noble purpose of the intellect? You may donate here.

Alors, salutations avec bonne année nouveau beaujolais mes amis!

Ziss time we must raise le Count de Monet for a suite entire of upholsterie Régal, en le blanquette de veau or how do you rosbifs say, in WHITE. We have of course a set trés elegant et magnifique in Silk is Soy golden dorée with eensy little bees et fleurs-de-lis. But we do not like to seat upon it, as le chat he likes there to be in front of the sunny miroir after his petit dejeuner du Tuna Mixture Miao-Miao, and how would you say, bathe his balls with his tongue? He is doing this of much more often, zut alors! It is trés disgustinque! So we must now take it the pressure away of the suite gold bug variation I think the bees are for Napoleon anyway? and give it a révolution glorieuse with chaises which they shall not steenk of the kibble saumon.

Jacquard damask most ideal and economical

We have located, as am I pleased to say, fabric most ideal and I found yes pretty and economical (in a Monaco casino sort of way) in a white jacquard damask. We will buy the fabric ourselves but of course, and take it to Chenonceau in the Loire vallée where there is much good vins to drink and naturellemente, many cakes to let us eat, and most essential a dressmaker for chairs most particularly suitable to mon Majeste exalteuse de Madame-Piggy: nom de Gammarichilieu. I saw it in their window and I ‘ad to ‘ave it.

A suite fully dressed of tapisserie Régal includes, bien entendu:

• Chaises with armes, assortiment avec ormolu, pilastres, and extra stuffing pour the cul en ‘oop skirts;
• Quatre Chaise-Longues, also three chairs armless for the maids non-noblesse and one inconfortable particularly so for whichever one is le mistress de mon husband le Roi at the time;
• Two Ottomans, avec Concubines;
• but one Fainting Sofa only;
• ‘arpischord Benches;
• Canopée for le dais where mes culottes they parq themselves;
• An antependium, or if you should prefer to name it, a tablecloth;
• Antimacassars;
• Trône de Reine porcelain et le dispensateur bung roll;
• Footstools and accessories varies;
• Fabric tapestrie de wall paneling and curtains of course to match;
• et une Basket Liner Guillotine des Chop-Chop.
• We will also get a little fabric and trim left bonus, and have it made into a pontifical suite complet de vestimentations goofy for le Évêque Extraordinairement Gras I mean does he gargle with sauce hollandaise or what M’Orleansiue, as our petit leetle tee-hee de jeste. For he will not, will he be, in our fainting-chambre very often? and when at last hallo he is there by mon petit invitation, then at last shall see our bonne jeste tres delicious! which during preening and singing he did in the cathedral he has only worn our pillows! For he is a Queen anyway, is he or is he not? Mais oui!

Later we will have a new set suite pas assez noir de blacksy-black-black as zee cœur d’un vicaire général with skulls and bones and yes perhaps Jason Friday 13th en masque for the chapel horreur royale made (the one we have now… meh…). But of course plus also a jardin des fleurs féminines pour le parfum furniture suite! Of course, I continue to harbor ‘ope for zee approval of une Orangerie.

Please you will help us? We have borrowed all we can naturellement from the fund soupe povertie pathétiques which but of course no one anyway he spends. The petit problème essential being but of course no one anyway he gives, and still the King our ‘usband he won’t allow ze tax  of everyone again. At least he says not until after Bastille Day. Donate now or I shall pout! The dollar it is mais strong against the franc now. I’d like to get zees project begun before we uncork the last of the summer vins.

Here are some views réellement of our Suite Bergamasque Debussy de Furniture so very tasteful, shine of white and cerulean bleu!

Love and kisses and nouveau riche year most ‘appy-appy, mon peasants!

X

[Marie-Antoinette,
Reine de l’Abitibi-Témiscamingue en Québec,
Depuis le Palais Truck Stoppe,
Fête de la Smoked Meat Royale avec Poutine.

Attesté par Deaconette C]

It’s a perfectly reasonable request, even if Her Majesty has stomped her feet many times demanding that courtiers must not wear bleu gowns when in her royal presence. Deaconette is sorry for saying that bleu is bad. We’ll work it out. After all, someone is always willing to toss a princepessal salad.