Deaconette C’s Litany for the Conversion of Internet Bullies (0.9.2 beta)

Written by a wry work in progress

Litany for the conversion of internet bullies (version 0.9.2 beta)
(For private use only, when truly irritated, and when the alternative is foul language.)

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

Lord, hear us.
Christ, graciously hear us.
God, the Father of Heaven, have mercy on us.
God, the Son, Redeemer of the World, have mercy on us.
God, the Holy Ghost, have mercy on us.
Holy Trinity, one God, have mercy on us.

So that internet bullies don’t harden their hearts, convert them, O Lord.
So that they don’t pass their days in splenetic rage, convert them, O Lord.
So that they seek the psychiatric attention they need, convert them, O Lord.
So that they don’t have a stupid accident while cleaning their Berettas, convert them, O Lord.
So that they don’t suffer insulin-resistant diabetes, convert them, O Lord.
So that they don’t scam press credentials for journalists to the LCWR Assembly, convert them, O Lord.
So that they don’t buy a brand-new rose pontifical vestment set with matching tactical tunicle before doing any almsgiving at all, convert them, O Lord.
So that they don’t invent an answer to the rhetorical question “Who am I to judge?”, convert them, O Lord.
So that they don’t earn their living by peddling books by angry cardinals, convert them, O Lord.
So that they don’t earn their living by peddling angry decals and coffee mugs, convert them, O Lord.
So that they don’t earn their living by begging angry laity for Paypal donations, convert them, O Lord.
So that they earn their living, convert them, O Lord.

That they may have visions of your Blessed Mother, Queen of Heaven seated on her throne robed in blue, convert them, O Lord.
You know, instead of fat men seated on their thrones upholstered in amaranth and scarlet?, convert them, O Lord.
That they wish for mercy and charity instead of $5500 night vision monocles, convert them, O Lord.
That they soon discern their true vocation to the Carthusian Order, convert them, O Lord.

From those who love Latin but hate Latinos, spare us O Lord.
From those who love basilicas but hate Pope Francis, spare us O Lord.
From those more preoccupied by the multiplication of fishwrap than of fishes, spare us O Lord.
From unreconstructed ossified manualists, spare us O Lord.
From the unintended effects and the unintended clergy of Anglicanorum Coetibus, spare us O Lord.
From any further enumerated reasons for Summorum Pontificum, spare us O Lord.
From fundraisers for deluxe custom-made Renn-Faire armor, spare us, O Lord.
From sexist linguistic innovations like “deaconette”, spare us O Lord.
From lengthy tutorials on complaint letters to the Vatican, spare us O Lord.
From Self-Absorbed Promethean Neo-Pelagians, spare us O Lord.
And especially from Mundabor, spare us O Lord.

From unproductive open-ended graduate studies, Lord save us.
From exile on a distant continent in a Dursleyan room at a steampipe distribution venue, Lord save us.
From gout, obesity, obsequiousness, hostility to hospitality workers, and all forms of narcissistic petulance, Lord save us.

St. Michael, sorry to bother you.
St. Gabriel, sorry to bother you.
Holy Guardian Angels, didn’t mean to interrupt.
St. Nunilo, very sorry to bother you.
St. Alodia, you too. You have no idea.
St. John the XXIII, defend us.
St. Paul the VI, defend us.
All y’all angels and saints, just go back to playing your harps, ok? Thank you.

Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.
Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, grant us peace.

V. Christ, Jesus who died for our sins.
R. Are you sure dudes like that should be Your priests and bishops? Just saying.

Alright stop, collaborate, and listen.
Jesus came back with a brand new edition.
Or if you prefer,
Let us pray.

O Lord,
We beseech thee.
Amen.