ACTION ITEM! Redecorate the Retiring Rooms

actionitemDeaconette has in the past introduced you gentle readers to some of her sorority sisters. But you have been hanging around the sorority house for some time now, and it’s probably time that you meet the whole family. Yes? Well come in, wait, wipe your feet on the mat please. Now then, may I present Deaconette’s

  • identical-but-ontologically-inferior twin blue sister Smurfette (Ma always liked me best);
  • arty sister Palette;
  • sister with the drinking problem Bachelorette;
  • Texan food-service worker sister Charcoal Briquette;
  • sisters Diskette and Cassette, together affectionately “the Obsolettes”;
  • prissy sister Lorgnette;
  • nutty sister Noisette;
  • showoff sister Majorette;
  • pregnant sister Layette;
  • overweight sister Raclette;
  • bitchy sister Martinet;
  • sexy sister Coquette and slutty sister Nymphette (who are not to be confused with the sister who merely enjoys having her salad tossed occasionally, Vinaigrette);
  • elusive sister Silhouette and black-sheep sister Oubliette;
  • and Holy Mother (née holy sister) Popette, with whom you’re well acquainted already;

And of course, every family has that one woman who thinks she’s a princess. Ours is Marie-Antoinette. You may not know that Her Majesty the Decapitated Capitular Capetian has graciously appointed Deaconette the Directrice-Général of the Société de L’Ancien Régime, Boucherie, La Courneuve, a fully despicable 178(9) that is dedicated to the restoration of all things ceremonial about the aristocracy of the late baroque, not just the vestments, to the greater glory of the Sun god King. The Société or let’s be honest, the Queen herself, has issued the appeal below. Deaconette has done her best to faithfully translate despite that she is merely a convert to French cuisine and was not, in fact, born speaking French. Will you in your charity assist Her Majesty in this noble purpose of the intellect? You may donate here.

Alors, salutations avec bonne année nouveau beaujolais mes amis!

Ziss time we must raise le Count de Monet for a suite entire of upholsterie Régal, en le blanquette de veau or how do you rosbifs say, in WHITE. We have of course a set trés elegant et magnifique in Silk is Soy golden dorée with eensy little bees et fleurs-de-lis. But we do not like to seat upon it, as le chat he likes there to be in front of the sunny miroir after his petit dejeuner du Tuna Mixture Miao-Miao, and how would you say, bathe his balls with his tongue? He is doing this of much more often, zut alors! It is trés disgustinque! So we must now take it the pressure away of the suite gold bug variation I think the bees are for Napoleon anyway? and give it a révolution glorieuse with chaises which they shall not steenk of the kibble saumon.


Jacquard damask most ideal and economical

We have located, as am I pleased to say, fabric most ideal and I found yes pretty and economical (in a Monaco casino sort of way) in a white jacquard damask. We will buy the fabric ourselves but of course, and take it to Chenonceau in the Loire vallée where there is much good vins to drink and naturellemente, many cakes to let us eat, and most essential a dressmaker for chairs most particularly suitable to mon Majeste exalteuse de Madame-Piggy: nom de Gammarichilieu. I saw it in their window and I ‘ad to ‘ave it.

A suite fully dressed of tapisserie Régal includes, bien entendu:

  • Chaises with armes, assortiment avec ormolu, pilastres, and extra stuffing pour the cul en ‘oop skirts;
  • Quatre Chaise-Longues, also three chairs armless for the maids non-noblesse and one inconfortable particularly so for whichever one is le mistress de mon husband le Roi at the time;
  • Two Ottomans, avec Concubines;
  • but one Fainting Sofa only;
  • ‘arpischord Benches;
  • Canopée for le dais where mes culottes they parq themselves;
  • An antependium, or if you should prefer to name it, a tablecloth;
  • Antimacassars;
  • Trône de Reine porcelain et le dispensateur bung roll;
  • Footstools and accessories varies;
  • Fabric tapestrie de wall paneling and curtains of course to match;
  • et une Basket Liner Guillotine des Chop-Chop.
  • We will also get a little fabric and trim left bonus, and have it made into a pontifical suite complet de vestimentations goofy for le Évêque Extraordinairement Gras I mean does he gargle with sauce hollandaise or what M’Orleansiue, as our petit leetle tee-hee de jeste. For he will not, will he be, in our fainting-chambre very often? and when at last hallo he is there by mon petit invitation, then at last shall see our bonne jeste tres delicious! which during preening and singing he did in the cathedral he has only worn our pillows! For he is a Queen anyway, is he or is he not? Mais oui!

Later we will have a new set suite pas assez noir de blacksy-black-black as zee cœur d’un vicaire général with skulls and bones and yes perhaps Jason Friday 13th en masque for the chapel horreur royale made (the one we have now… meh…). But of course plus also a jardin des fleurs féminines pour le parfum furniture suite! Of course, I continue to harbor ‘ope for zee approval of une Orangerie.

Please you will help us? We have borrowed all we can naturellement from the fund soupe povertie pathétiques which but of course no one anyway he spends. The petit problème essential being but of course no one anyway he gives, and still the King our ‘usband he won’t allow ze tax  of everyone again. At least he says not until after Bastille Day. Donate now or I shall pout! The dollar it is mais strong against the franc now. I’d like to get zees project begun before we uncork the last of the summer vins.

Here are some views réellement of our Suite Bergamasque Debussy de Furniture so very tasteful, shine of white and cerulean bleu!

Love and kisses and nouveau riche year most ‘appy-appy, mon peasants!


Reine de l’Abitibi-Témiscamingue en Québec,
Depuis le Palais Truck Stoppe,
Fête de la Smoked Meat Royale avec Poutine.

Attesté par Deaconette C]

It’s a perfectly reasonable request, even if Her Majesty has stomped her feet many times demanding that courtiers must not wear bleu gowns when in her royal presence. Deaconette is sorry for saying that bleu is bad. We’ll work it out. After all, someone is always willing to toss a princepessal salad.


10 thoughts on “ACTION ITEM! Redecorate the Retiring Rooms

  1. Deaconette, kudos and applause. You completely lost me for a while at “et une Basket Liner Guillotine des Chop-Chop.”
    However, it appears these items would be to furnish Versailles — which given its size, does indeed need a lot of furniture. However, one must not forget le Petit Trianon. Surely the Jacquard damask most ideal and economical would be better suited to the Queen’s playhouse, and only the best silk be used for such a grand estate as Versailles. You will need double the contributions for the complete project!
    The donations (per your link) are well and truly going to a noble cause.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Zut alors! I assiduously avoid bestowing upon the Z-Dude the grace of even a click to enhance his (undoubtedly fake) visitor counter, but Deaconette slipped a link right by me. How elated I was to not find her name listed under the many, many deluded folk who donate to his support! If only there were a talented and wily hacker among her readership who could alter HIS ‘donation’ links to mirror HERS and actually do some good.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “The ones we have now… Meh…”

    He actually said that. What diocese didn’t need two fiddleback pontifical sets in black? Lord help us.

    Well done with this hysterical Franglaise. I also had convulsions at the basket liner!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Deaconette cheated by being in Quebec to ski while she wrote this, and thus was able to avail herself of non-Fransayz being spoken about her.

      Deaconette has trouble with the diocese that imagines it needs even one black set, Mark G. But she supposes that’s what happens to the soul when it’s fed exclusively on groceries from Oscar Meyer Factory Outlet. Pray for the good people of Madison. Deaconette imagines that there are some.


  4. Dear Deaconette – I am worried that it has been so long since you’ve posted, and I hope that all is well . Please let me know that you will again be offering your brilliant insights and razor-sharp wit.


    • Gentle Bob, your Irreverend Mrs Deaconette has been quiet, this is sadly true. And all heaven has broken loose, what with Ray being suspended from his sinecure at the silly Maltese Keeniggits of the Moolah, proving he can’t even do a non-job correctly. Rest assured that ‘e don’t frighten us with ‘is silly knees-bent running around advancing behaviour. Though Deaconette hasn’t been around to taunt ‘im a second time, ‘is maniples they still smell of elderberry and ‘is ermine-lined cappa magna is probably only the fur of ‘amster!

      Mr & Irrev. Mrs Deaconette have been moving interstate and have been extremely occupied with home preparations, settling an already bad-tempered lunatic cat into digs it didn’t want to move into, trying to find necessities like new doctors and pharmacies and dry cleaners and half-decent General Tso’s Chicken, and of course the tiresome necessity of paying for it all by exchanging time we’d otherwise put to better purposes for a bimonthly direct deposit notice.

      As soon as she is able to do more with her evenings than sweep up sawdust and Big Gulp cups that her contractor leaves as proof he hasn’t forgetten her job (just how to do it in a timely way), Deaconette will return to afflict the afflictions. For now, she’s occupied each night with comforting her most chaste spouse by convincing him that sincerely, she is very tired and does have a headache.

      Through the intercession of St Georges Louis Leclerc, Comte de Buffon, patron saint of the under-appreciated seekers of vicious dinosaurs, may you meanwhile be protected from gargantuan discharges of the effluence of said dinosaurs, in the Name of their Creator, and of the Redeemer, and of the Sanctifier.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s