ASK DEACONETTE: “My 4 year old [child] insists on praying in Valyrian.” Valyrian resources for young children?
From a lonely man posing as his reader…
Quaeritur: Thank you for the delightful and edifying omnibus that is your blog. [Yes, the Profanator of Petrified Provincial Patois pretended, pathologically, that a partisan praised him with that preposterous plaudit when, plainly, he penned it personally.] It is my understanding that Septa Unella, or maybe it was even the High Sparrow, created a syllabus of works to be read when studying how to waste time the Seven would have us put to better use. It is known. Do you have a copy of this for those studying at home? Also, my 4 y.o. [child] is insisting upon saying her prayers in High Valyrian. Do you or the readers know of any resources for young children to study or read in High Valyrian? Valar dohaeris.
Respondio: No. Please ask your daughter to outside and play with the other boys and girls until dinnertime.
Deaconette is sorry for her relative tardiness in analyzing the predictive data for the two thousand eighteenth year of Our Lord. The Prognosticating Presbyter in Pontoon Pants beat her to it.
1. Pres. Trump’s obvious cognitive decline will be revealed to be related to a progressive neurological disease.
2. The criminal trial of Paul Manafort will begin. Indictments will be handed down for one or more of Pres. Trump’s children.
3. The word “chasuble” will be used more often than the word “resurrection” at WDTPRS.
4. Pope Francis–still Pope–will still make no material progress on what to do with Cosplay Ray.
5. For no particular reason, several times throughout the year Vince Apicella will send the “Sudden Sweetness Gerber Daisy Thank You Delivery Assortment from Participating Network Florist” to Bob Morlino, with his heartfelt assurance of continuing prayers.
6. Viri probati will cause far less controversy among the faithful than priests on probation for probing virile preteens.
- Deaconette prefers the superior precision of the term “ad apsidem” to the posterior posture.
7. The number of places in the United States with Holy Mass, whether ad orientem or not, will decline significantly.
8. From a likely source, we will learn much of value about pasta made with squid ink and almost nothing about alms-giving.
9. Doctrinal evaluation of professors and theological writings will be devolved to local bloggers.
10. Fr. Z will still want to be a Monsignor.
The Pompous Patronless Protégé, Ph.D. (probably not) Pending (and postulants to these posts, please be apprised at this point that that prat is pegged “the 4P” in these pages) is perennially perusing the papers in pursuit of pieces portraying the perpetration of profanations by professional primitives as proof positive of Islam’s privations in terms of peace. Though the crusades are long over, Prester John the Chickenhearted seems to think that dramatic incidents of political violence committed by a shrinkingly small but hugely dangerous few can be extrapolated to impugn the loving nature of over a fifth of the world’s people. Believe his hypothesis, and Deaconette C will believe if you do that somewhere along the line, over a fifth of something was involved.
From a middle-school reader…
Quaeritur: My son and fiancee are Catholics, [according to me but very likely not according to them nor their friends], and [are] considering having a non-priest [a deacon, perhaps? No?] perform the ceremony in the Outer Banks, NC. We have two family members saying that as Catholics, they can’t attend the wedding because it is outside of the church. Is there some rule that is keeping them from attending the wedding?
Respondio: There is indeed a very elegant rule for avoiding sin when one finds oneself without previously accepted social commitments of that order of magnitude. Follow the five simple steps Deaconette now outlines:
Quaeritur: I recently read about the indulgences formerly attached to being touched by the ‘penitential wand’ in Rome in the Raccolta. I’ve been trying to find more information about this practice online, all to no avail. I wonder if you could write about it? Seems like something as ‘rigid’ as this could do us well these days!
Respondio: The penitential mentula or ferula, the bocchino penitenziario, wand, or rod is encountered the world over, and not merely in Rome. It varies in length and girth, and while it is not always used in a penitential capacity, it is nevertheless not uncommonly employed in such a ritual. Since not every man can be a wizard every time.
Quaeritur: Can the saturno be worn with a black suit, or only with a cassock?
Dicendum: Indeed it may, Fr Vincent Fitzpatrick, and Deaconette thanks Your Reverend Fatherhood for the absurdity of your delicious question. A saturno is actually proper to a black suit rather than to a cassock. There are some caveats, however, to be observed.
Quaeritur: Would we Latins be out of line in mocking our Eastern Catholic or Orthodox brothers [for their ridiculous headgear]?
Dicendum: Thank you for the question, 4P. Could there be any invented ecclesiastical role in all of Christendom more undignified than actually having to wear one of those silly hats? As unlikely as it seems, there is indeed. Behold the 4M:
The holiday season or sure, call it Advent, makes Deaconette’s life increasingly busy, and she finds herself with less time with which to address the unabating quotidian outrages from the parishioners at St. Upid Traddy Catholic Community. She will thus make this entry short and sweet, like herself.
From a non-reader…
Quaeritur: I’ll be deployed overseas this Thanksgiving Friday. I belong to a personal parish (FSSP) in a regular geographic diocese back home, but deployed I fall under the Archdiocese of Military ervices [sic]. Does the Pope Pius XII Thanksgiving Friday indult apply to me, despite my not being in the United States?
Deaconette understands that many of her gentle readers are faced with a dilemma in tomorrow’s U.S. Presidential Election. The major party candidates are wildly unpopular, and neither is in ideal comity with important Catholic teachings and doctrines. And we’re not getting much direction from Pope Francis, who when posed this exact comparison only validated the difficulty and seemed to be suggesting that informed Catholics may as well just flip a coin.