Senza Vincoli

ASK DEACONETTE:

From a man with too much time on his hands…

Quaeritur: I was wondering if you know the rubrics or know where the rubrics for lay instituted acolytes in the EF can be found?
At my parish, we try and do a lot of things in the extraordinary form, and I am trying to find some authoritative/knowledgeable source on what an instituted acolyte can/ cannot do/wear (in terms of the biretta) for liturgical celebrations (mainly outside of Mass). Thank you!

Respondio: Footwear is de riguer, of course. Socks and ideally, shoes, should you be able to afford them; sandals are generally frowned upon unless accompanied by the habit of your mendicant order. Opinions vary on athletic shoes and boots; Deaconette believes they are best avoided at liturgical celebrations if one has the wherewithal to make a substitution more formal in nature. Omit the wristwatch. Finally, some sort of undergarment is generally expected, though it ought to go unseen. Tighty-whiteys, boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs are all acceptable; the thong, g-string, athletic supporter, or cloth diaper with safety pin is only acceptable when the acolyte is serving in a non-public situation, e.g.in the chapel of the Cardinal’s beach home at the Jersey Shore.

What? Don’t act shocked, fornication with the Ordinary is perfectly ordinary. The Holy See knew all about Uncle Ted the Molester, and yet “Saint” John Paul II thereafter promoted him from Bishop of Metuchen to Archbishop of Newark, then to Archbishop of Washington, then to Cardinal-Priest of the Holy Roman Church. Benedict XVI didn’t act, either, which is yet another shining example of why Papa Rottweiler is not the “Pope of Christian Unity,” no matter what some capitevacantalist clericus vagans will have you believe.

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Costume Jewellery

actionitemDoes € 880.00 seem a bit pricey for 3-D printed plastic hats to you? It does to Deaconette. Could the cost be run up, not so much the plastic, as by the genuine Elmo Muppet hide that is affixed as a plume?

Perhaps we should rally round and pass the, ahem, hat. In such a way, those fine Helvetian gentlemen who keep safe the Holy See from terrorists bearing halberds and bardiches can attend to their duties without pecuniary anxieties. It is the example of almsgiving so often set for us by the 4P.

“Guard spokesman Sgt. Urs Breitenmoser says the new helmets won’t be used Sunday. The army is looking for sponsors for the 880-euro ($1,050) helmets, which cost about half as much as the old metal ones.” One has to wonder where the Sergeant got the idea that great swathes of the public-at-large stand ready to donate to so literally quixotic a cause. Read the rest, gentle readers, at http://time.com/5266741/popes-guards-3d-printed-helmets and contribute.

Or not. Deaconette is sure you can find less silly uses and more worthy needs for the earnings you spread in charity.

Cersei’s Uncle Kevan

ASK DEACONETTE:  “My 4 year old [child] insists on praying in Valyrian.” Valyrian resources for young children?

From a lonely man posing as his reader…

Quaeritur: Thank you for the delightful and edifying omnibus that is your blog. [Yes, the Profanator of Petrified Provincial Patois pretended, pathologically, that a partisan praised him with that preposterous plaudit when, plainly, he penned it personally.] It is my understanding that Septa Unella, or maybe it was even the High Sparrow, created a syllabus of works to be read when studying how to waste time the Seven would have us put to better use. It is known. Do you have a copy of this for those studying at home? Also, my 4 y.o. [child] is insisting upon saying her prayers in High Valyrian. Do you or the readers know of any resources for young children to study or read in High Valyrian? Valar dohaeris.

Respondio: No. Please ask your daughter to outside and play with the other boys and girls until dinnertime.

Meet the Blogger Priest Firing Red Pills at the Vatican

Said Faggioli, “Fr. Z is much more convinced about the Christian character of Donald Trump than of Pope Francis. That’s remarkable.”

actionitemDeaconette thinks Dr. Massimo Faggioli has an enviable gift of concision which has ever eluded her. Perfection being attained not by addition but by subtraction, Deaconette will not embellish on the good professor’s elegant and astute observation.

If you have not yet read the profile of Father Zuhlsdorf that ran in yesterday’s BuzzFeed, go do. Share it far and wide.

“Meet the Blogger Priest Firing Red Pills at the Vatican”
Joseph Bernstein, BuzzFeed, February 1, 2018

Sesame Corona

Deaconette is sorry for her relative tardiness in analyzing the predictive data for the two thousand eighteenth year of Our Lord. The Prognosticating Presbyter in Pontoon Pants beat her to it.

2018 Predictions

1. Pres. Trump’s obvious cognitive decline will be revealed to be related to a progressive neurological disease.
2. The criminal trial of Paul Manafort will begin. Indictments will be handed down for one or more of Pres. Trump’s children.
3. The word “chasuble” will be used more often than the word “resurrection” at WDTPRS.
4. Pope Francis–still Pope–will still make no material progress on what to do with Cosplay Ray.
5. For no particular reason, several times throughout the year Vince Apicella will send the “Sudden Sweetness Gerber Daisy Thank You Delivery Assortment from Participating Network Florist” to Bob Morlino, with his heartfelt assurance of continuing prayers.
6. Viri probati will cause far less controversy among the faithful than priests on probation for probing virile preteens.

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Deaconette prefers the superior precision of the term “ad apsidem” to the posterior posture.

7. The number of places in the United States with Holy Mass, whether ad orientem or not, will decline significantly.
8. From a likely source, we will learn much of value about pasta made with squid ink and almost nothing about alms-giving.
9. Doctrinal evaluation of professors and theological writings will be devolved to local bloggers.
10. Fr. Z will still want to be a Monsignor.

ACTION ITEM! Deaconette C calls for help for a justly imprisoned priest

actionitemDeaconette firmly believes Father Gordon MacRae is where he belongs, much as did his jury. It also appears to her that the State of New Hampshire and the Diocese of Manchester, inter alia, concur. If your views are colored only by “These Stone Walls” and an over-zealous Catholic conservative press, she invites you to take a closer look into Father MacRae’s disturbing history.

That stipulated, Deaconette reminds us all that it is a corporal work of mercy to bring comfort to the imprisoned. If in your charity, to turn a phrase from a Pelagianistic Proto-Post-Pharisee, you are inclined to add funds to Father MacRae’s telephone account, do so.

Source: ACTION ITEM! Fr. Z calls for help for a wrongly imprisoned priest

Nunilo and Alodia? You Ladies Busy?

The Pompous Patronless Protégé, Ph.D. (probably not) Pending (and postulants to these posts, please be apprised at this point that that prat is pegged “the 4P” in these pages)  is perennially perusing the papers in pursuit of pieces portraying the perpetration of profanations by professional primitives as proof positive of Islam’s privations in terms of peace. Though the crusades are long over, Prester John the Chickenhearted seems to think that dramatic incidents of political violence committed by a shrinkingly small but hugely dangerous few can be extrapolated to impugn the loving nature of over a fifth of the world’s people. Believe his hypothesis, and Deaconette C will believe if you do that somewhere along the line, over a fifth of something was involved.

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All Around the Deacon’s Bench

Apparently, the Priggish Porker of the Pantywaisted Patriarchy dipped into the Journal of Feminist Geography and found its contents confusing. One should never expect to understand a graduate level research paper before one has taken the basic survey course. Please, 4P, have a seat and we’ll begin.

Welcome to Feminist Geography 101. I’m Irrev. Prof. Deaconette C. I realize many of you were expecting Professor Socrates, but I’m afraid he lost his bid for tenure. Although he was eminently well-qualified for Pontifical University faculty on the basis of his superannuation of retirement age, his criminal record and his stated preference for young boys, the department ultimately decided that someone who has no Ph.D., no publications, and who actually admits he doesn’t know anything is better qualified for the diocesan curia. He’s now the co-adjutor bishop. So I’m here instead. Continue reading

Sickly Oompah-Loompah

From a middle-school reader…

Quaeritur: My son and fiancee are Catholics, [according to me but very likely not according to them nor their friends], and [are] considering having a non-priest [a deacon, perhaps? No?] perform the ceremony in the Outer Banks, NC. We have two family members saying that as Catholics, they can’t attend the wedding because it is outside of the church. Is there some rule that is keeping them from attending the wedding?

Respondio: There is indeed a very elegant rule for avoiding sin when one finds oneself without previously accepted social commitments of that order of magnitude. Follow the five simple steps Deaconette now outlines:

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ACTION ITEM! Redecorate the Retiring Rooms

actionitemDeaconette has in the past introduced you gentle readers to some of her sorority sisters. But you have been hanging around the sorority house for some time now, and it’s probably time that you meet the whole family. Yes? Well come in, wait, wipe your feet on the mat please. Now then, may I present Deaconette’s

  • identical-but-ontologically-inferior twin blue sister Smurfette (Ma always liked me best);
  • arty sister Palette;
  • sister with the drinking problem Bachelorette;
  • Texan food-service worker sister Charcoal Briquette;
  • sisters Diskette and Cassette, together affectionately “the Obsolettes”;
  • prissy sister Lorgnette;
  • nutty sister Noisette;
  • showoff sister Majorette;
  • pregnant sister Layette;
  • overweight sister Raclette;
  • bitchy sister Martinet;
  • sexy sister Coquette and slutty sister Nymphette (who are not to be confused with the sister who merely enjoys having her salad tossed occasionally, Vinaigrette);
  • elusive sister Silhouette and black-sheep sister Oubliette;
  • and Holy Mother (née holy sister) Popette, with whom you’re well acquainted already;

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