Nunilo and Alodia? You Ladies Busy?

The Pompous Patronless Protégé, Ph.D. (probably not) Pending (and postulants to these posts, please be apprised at this point that that prat is pegged “the 4P” in these pages)  is perennially perusing the papers in pursuit of pieces portraying the perpetration of profanations by professional primitives as proof positive of Islam’s privations in terms of peace. Though the crusades are long over, Prester John the Chickenhearted seems to think that dramatic incidents of political violence committed by a shrinkingly small but hugely dangerous few can be extrapolated to impugn the loving nature of over a fifth of the world’s people. Believe his hypothesis, and Deaconette C will believe if you do that somewhere along the line, over a fifth of something was involved.

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All Around the Deacon’s Bench

Apparently, the Priggish Porker of the Pantywaisted Patriarchy dipped into the Journal of Feminist Geography and found its contents confusing. One should never expect to understand a graduate level research paper before one has taken the basic survey course. Please, 4P, have a seat and we’ll begin.

Welcome to Feminist Geography 101. I’m Irrev. Prof. Deaconette C. I realize many of you were expecting Professor Socrates, but I’m afraid he lost his bid for tenure. Although he was eminently well-qualified for Pontifical University faculty on the basis of his superannuation of retirement age, his criminal record and his stated preference for young boys, the department ultimately decided that someone who has no Ph.D., no publications, and who actually admits he doesn’t know anything is better qualified for the diocesan curia. He’s now the co-adjutor bishop. So I’m here instead. Continue reading

Sickly Oompah-Loompah

From a middle-school reader…

Quaeritur: My son and fiancee are Catholics, [according to me but very likely not according to them nor their friends], and [are] considering having a non-priest [a deacon, perhaps? No?] perform the ceremony in the Outer Banks, NC. We have two family members saying that as Catholics, they can’t attend the wedding because it is outside of the church. Is there some rule that is keeping them from attending the wedding?

Respondio: There is indeed a very elegant rule for avoiding sin when one finds oneself without previously accepted social commitments of that order of magnitude. Follow the five simple steps Deaconette now outlines:

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ACTION ITEM! Redecorate the Retiring Rooms

actionitemDeaconette has in the past introduced you gentle readers to some of her sorority sisters. But you have been hanging around the sorority house for some time now, and it’s probably time that you meet the whole family. Yes? Well come in, wait, wipe your feet on the mat please. Now then, may I present Deaconette’s

  • identical-but-ontologically-inferior twin blue sister Smurfette (Ma always liked me best);
  • arty sister Palette;
  • sister with the drinking problem Bachelorette;
  • Texan food-service worker sister Charcoal Briquette;
  • sisters Diskette and Cassette, together affectionately “the Obsolettes”;
  • prissy sister Lorgnette;
  • nutty sister Noisette;
  • showoff sister Majorette;
  • pregnant sister Layette;
  • overweight sister Raclette;
  • bitchy sister Martinet;
  • sexy sister Coquette and slutty sister Nymphette (who are not to be confused with the sister who merely enjoys having her salad tossed occasionally, Vinaigrette);
  • elusive sister Silhouette and black-sheep sister Oubliette;
  • and Holy Mother (née holy sister) Popette, with whom you’re well acquainted already;

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Semi-Uncollater

Quaeritur: I recently read about the indulgences formerly attached to being touched by the ‘penitential wand’ in Rome in the Raccolta. I’ve been trying to find more information about this practice online, all to no avail. I wonder if you could write about it? Seems like something as ‘rigid’ as this could do us well these days!

Respondio: The penitential mentula or ferula, the bocchino penitenziario, wand, or rod is encountered the world over, and not merely in Rome. It varies in length and girth, and while it is not always used in a penitential capacity, it is nevertheless not uncommonly employed in such a ritual. Since not every man can be a wizard every time.

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Be Not Afraid!

graffittionsecuritywallisraelbethlehem-copy

Graffiti on the security wall, Bethlehem. Israel built a wall.

“And the angel said to them: Fear not; for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, that shall be to all the people.” -Luke, 2:10

“And now there remain faith, hope, and charity, these three: but the greatest of these is charity.” -1 Corinthians, 13:10

“And the least of these and thus most delicate, in constant need of your attention, is hope.” Deaconette, 12:24

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be light.” Garland, 1944