All Around the Deacon’s Bench

Apparently, the Priggish Porker of the Pantywaisted Patriarchy dipped into the Journal of Feminist Geography and found its contents confusing. One should never expect to understand a graduate level research paper before one has taken the basic survey course. Please, 4P, have a seat and we’ll begin.

Welcome to Feminist Geography 101. I’m Irrev. Prof. Deaconette C. I realize many of you were expecting Professor Socrates, but I’m afraid he lost his bid for tenure. Although he was eminently well-qualified for Pontifical University faculty on the basis of his superannuation of retirement age, his criminal record and his stated preference for young boys, the department ultimately decided that someone who has no Ph.D., no publications, and who actually admits he doesn’t know anything is better qualified for the diocesan curia. He’s now the co-adjutor bishop. So I’m here instead.

Would you please take a copy of the syllabus and pass it to your neighbor? Thank you, great. Now, you’ll notice right away that we’re starting small, with the world’s smallest state, and because that is Vatican City our syllabus contains books you’re forbidden to read.

As I mentioned, we’re beginning with Vatican City. Can anyone tell me what the dominant mammalian fauna of the Vatican is? Yes, the hand-raiser in front wearing the literally glorified sleeve hanky? No,  it is decidedly not the human. No. No, it isn—look, who’s teaching this course anyway, Jack? Quiet, please. As I was saying: the Vatican is predominantly over-run by weasels, scientifically known as Rodentius clericalistus. These, of course, are highly social animals which communicate almost entirely via internecine backbiting over drinks with their boyfriends.

Cardinals Carlo Caffarra, Raymond Burke, Walter Brandmüller and Joachim Meisner

Slide 1 shows us the boundaries and major features of the Vatican topography. Could somebody turn on the overhead projec——OH! MY PACEMAKER!

(Just a little joke. I’ve always wanted to do that. All right, never mind about the slides.)

Of particular interest to feminist theory is this tiny country’s unique birth rate. Almost all citizens are male, and the only officially permitted reproductive method is daguerreotype, so there are very few live births except to pigeons. Even so, the Vatican has been able to maintain a relatively steady population. How has this been possible?

Yes, you in the pantsuit without a wimple? That’s right, via immigration. Excellent answer, see that? The semester is off to a fast start, like a bride’s nightgown or protonotary’s latex thong. The Vatican has maintained its population through the world’s longest-running international refugee program for bitchy homosexual men, which it calls “the College of Cardinals.”

Who can tell me the principle place of worship in Vatican City? Anyone? Anyone? No? I thought this would be an easy one. The principle place of worship in the Holy See is the flabby backside of a Cardinal Prefect, which is venerated with much osculation.

Where did the time go? All right then. In our next class, we’ll address the patriarchal subjugation of women at the Vatican and what might be done to overcome it. In conclusion of today’s lecture, let me remind everyone that I hate weasels. Dismissed.


4 thoughts on “All Around the Deacon’s Bench

  1. There is much to be said about the 4Ps recent disgusting post about Our Lady of the Angels. Having recently been to LA, and knowing people who have been victims of Mahoney’s apathy and vice, I have many thoughts, but I will leave those to our Worthy Deaconette who will Raise High the Roofbeam for the downtrodden in our Church. Axios!


    • Also, if Deaconette will make t-shirts that say “That’s okay. He can call me ‘Commander’, in honor of Dr. Phyllis Zagano’s excellent clapback to the 4P’s refusal to refer to her as “doctor” (on Fr. D’s once glorious facebook page), I will purchase one. Especially if the proceeds go to SNAP.

      Liked by 2 people

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