BREAKING: Corpse of Millard Fillmore gives acceptance speech

…and we go live now to where tonight’s winner in this historic race, Whig candidate and now President-elect Millard Fillmore’s Corpse, is now taking the stage:

[Transcript Follows]

Apparently Mr Corpse is still preparing his remarks. We’ll pause a moment so our affiliates can have a station identification break.

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Mr Corpse during his prior term of office.

Well there you have it. President-elect Corpse of Millard Fillmore, stunned speechless like the rest of the world at America’s dangerous stupidity, and apparently preferring to stay dead.

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